Hey faceless; what's the price on your tag?

       Warning this is not for the faint of heart.
        
        Basically I am a pissed person, who even on the best of days is still a seemingly emotionless bitch. And not the kind of bitch, that every girl says they are are because they think it makes their bullshit excusable. No I am a real bitch, the kind of bitch that people were before it became cool to be a bitch. I mean everything I am about to say, and I will not apologize for anything I have learned about this world.  Keep that in mind. And the anger I am experiencing  does not mean that I am not thinking rationally. I absolutely am! This just means that I am a bitch and it is nothing for me to say these things. Or to hear your responses.
       Ok now that the disclaimer has been read I will get to it. I think that probably about 90% of the population is completely spineless sell-outs, who convince themselves they are real people while in actually they are only a result of their surroundings and a product of the people the "love". Now would be the time to elaborate.
      I am not completely heartless and I do understand that people are often deserving of a second chance. I believe in forgiveness. But forgiveness is not meant to be given to anyone and everyone every time they do something. And believe it or not some things are UNFORGIVABLE. And their is no relationship known to mankind that within its inner workings makes it an ironclad forgiveness machine. By this I mean that just because said asshole is your sister or your mother or daughter or son, or what have you does not mean that you just have to forgive everything they ever do. and live in this world where every inexplicable action of betrayal and deviant neglect can just to glazed over at a family picnic and transformed into the picture perfect candy coated relationship you had before. 
    And I know I will hear that sometimes you love your mother or what have you and that is why you get past it because that person is just too vital to your survival to be forgotten about. Well to this I will respond that this person because they are more special to you gets more flexible forgiveness. This is common knowledge you will take more shit from you family than you will anyone else you know. But my friends, flexible does not mean unbreakable. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN UNBREAKABLE RELATIONSHIP.
     Which brings me back to my central thesis here. People are spineless products of their surroundings. People will forgive and forgive and forgive everything. Wives stay with husbands who beat their children. Husbands stay with wives who mistreat their own children. And couples stay together despite obvious ongoing infidelity on both fronts.
     When you "forgive" things you haven't truly forgiven or ever truly understood, you are changing yourself. You bite your tongues when around these people because you cannot show you still hate them for what they have done. You avoid certain topics of conversation. You lie, you cheat, you neglect those who know that truth. You talk to everyone else about why you hate this person, but to this person you are cool, cordial and the face of forgiveness and understanding.
      Why? Well you paint the picture anyway you want but it is because you are afraid. Spineless. You don't have the strength to make this person pay for their wrongs. You are terrified of having to live without them, possibly because you have had this toxic relationship (sister, husband, friend) for so long that it has defined you. You are a product of your surroundings and no longer know who you are. As an individual.   You just can't stand up for yourself, even when you know you should.
     So thus our world is full of bitter people all pretending to have forgiven these  people and harboring their hate and passing it on. And then those of us who aren't spineless. we are seen  are seemingly emotionless bitches. And not the cool kind. The kind who are seen as negative nasty little things who just like to hold on the hate and negativity. When in reality we are the only people in this fucked up world being true to ourselves.
     I urge you to look at your relationship. And ask yourself, what's your price. Where is your line or no return?

Life changes so quickly

Life changes so very fast. Most of the time before you even realise its changing. The things you know today are so trival. If you love something today love it faster than the devil and love it until you have nothing left in you. Because that beloved you have may only be yours for a few more todays. Things you know today and the ease of mind you have today. Embrace and enjoy today. Because the things you are so certian about today could very quickly become tomorrow's questions. The little things you take advantage of every day... stop and look at those things experience those things for what they are. Because faster than the speed of light those moments you no longer pay attention to because they are so common, could be the memories you cry about tomorrow night. The vioce that soothes you in the night, the arms that hold you in your times of weakness. Take them in, listen a little more closely, and hold on a little tighter. Because although i pray the beloveds in your life never change chances are they will. And these todays are only todays today. So don't regret not living more in today tomorrow.

Memory

Memory. It's simple enough of a concept. It essential to the human life and usually embraced in our society. People love memories, really they just eat that shit up. Pictures are taken to remember, journals are kept, scrapbooks are made. And as mentioned above, memory is essential to human life. We need to remember to survive. We need to know that we know things. Memory is vital to the survival of our kind. When memory fades or is lost, it is "tragic" and millions of medical dollars are spend yearly to identify the cause of memory decay and the search for a cure. I value my memory in most cases, i value the memory of meeting David Charles and of all the times spent with my family. But I would pay any amount of money to know what causes memory decay so that I could do what few others want, FORGET. Since 1999... I have spent every second of every daytrying to forget the past I was forced to have lived through. Every single morning I wake to the same thought, wake with the same fear. Every time I close my eyes I see the same face. I would give anything to forget that horrid face. I am so sick of trying to convince myself that I will be fine, I am so sick of not being able to think. I spend so much time fighting my own thoughts, it's astonishing to me that I have assemble this "normal" life. Your thought, your memory is not escapable. It is the one thing in your life you can't change or run away from. It is always there, always on call,  to recall anything in that vast memory the correlates to appears to correlate to every single thing you encounter. So as vital as memory is, and beautiful as it can be, for people like me it is the cause of more pain than the English language is equipped to portray.