I do this very odd thing. I get attached and feel emotionally connected to places and things that I have no business getting attached to. I can see an old and broken down house and my heart cries for it. For some reason I do not see that house as just a house. It is not just rotting wood and leaking pipes. I don't see it as uninhabitable. I see it as previously inhabited.
My mind takes me to an odd place when I see one of these run down buildings. I picture myself inside this building. I can imagine all the smells, and textures within the ruins. My mind immediately tries to put together all the pieces of the past in that very house. I wonder who was the first people within the home. I wonder what happened in this house. I long to know exactly what feelings were felt in that house. I guess it is sort of a "if these walls could talk" thing. I just really wish I knew the significance of the house to people and even the emotions felt while in that house, the decisions decided, the mistakes made, and all relevant and irrelevant occurring that happened in that very house.
And it is not just houses that I do this with. I can lay at look at my ceiling and try to recall all the different feelings I have felt while staring at the same ceiling. And I try and recall all the various situations that ultimately led me to lay and look up at the ceiling. And I take it further and wonder about the other people who have laid in that same spot in my room and looked at that same ceiling. I wonder what kept them up at night and forced them to have to stare at that ceiling. And I even take that further and take out the house all together. And I wonder what happened on this very piece of land below of my bed. All the people who have been on that very patch of land. And all the reasons why they might have, and all the feelings that might have been felt on the exact spot that I lay now.
It is a intoxicating thought, at least for me. And I get lost in it often. Which leads me to wonder if emotions are ever felt strong enough be left lingering in a specific spot. If your monumental experiences can be so intense that they are somehow absorbed into your walls, your house, the atmosphere around you. This of course, sounds crazy and I almost think I'm crazy for even thinking so. But then I go to a place that I have felt such strong emotions in and I can still feel them. It can bring me back every single time. And I know people who have passed away and I can't help but feel them with me when I am in certain places.
I could very possibly be insane. But let me know what you think.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Hey faceless; what's the price on your tag?
Warning this is not for the faint of heart.
Basically I am a pissed person, who even on the best of days is still a seemingly emotionless bitch. And not the kind of bitch, that every girl says they are are because they think it makes their bullshit excusable. No I am a real bitch, the kind of bitch that people were before it became cool to be a bitch. I mean everything I am about to say, and I will not apologize for anything I have learned about this world. Keep that in mind. And the anger I am experiencing does not mean that I am not thinking rationally. I absolutely am! This just means that I am a bitch and it is nothing for me to say these things. Or to hear your responses.
Ok now that the disclaimer has been read I will get to it. I think that probably about 90% of the population is completely spineless sell-outs, who convince themselves they are real people while in actually they are only a result of their surroundings and a product of the people the "love". Now would be the time to elaborate.
I am not completely heartless and I do understand that people are often deserving of a second chance. I believe in forgiveness. But forgiveness is not meant to be given to anyone and everyone every time they do something. And believe it or not some things are UNFORGIVABLE. And their is no relationship known to mankind that within its inner workings makes it an ironclad forgiveness machine. By this I mean that just because said asshole is your sister or your mother or daughter or son, or what have you does not mean that you just have to forgive everything they ever do. and live in this world where every inexplicable action of betrayal and deviant neglect can just to glazed over at a family picnic and transformed into the picture perfect candy coated relationship you had before.
And I know I will hear that sometimes you love your mother or what have you and that is why you get past it because that person is just too vital to your survival to be forgotten about. Well to this I will respond that this person because they are more special to you gets more flexible forgiveness. This is common knowledge you will take more shit from you family than you will anyone else you know. But my friends, flexible does not mean unbreakable. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN UNBREAKABLE RELATIONSHIP.
Which brings me back to my central thesis here. People are spineless products of their surroundings. People will forgive and forgive and forgive everything. Wives stay with husbands who beat their children. Husbands stay with wives who mistreat their own children. And couples stay together despite obvious ongoing infidelity on both fronts.
When you "forgive" things you haven't truly forgiven or ever truly understood, you are changing yourself. You bite your tongues when around these people because you cannot show you still hate them for what they have done. You avoid certain topics of conversation. You lie, you cheat, you neglect those who know that truth. You talk to everyone else about why you hate this person, but to this person you are cool, cordial and the face of forgiveness and understanding.
Why? Well you paint the picture anyway you want but it is because you are afraid. Spineless. You don't have the strength to make this person pay for their wrongs. You are terrified of having to live without them, possibly because you have had this toxic relationship (sister, husband, friend) for so long that it has defined you. You are a product of your surroundings and no longer know who you are. As an individual. You just can't stand up for yourself, even when you know you should.
So thus our world is full of bitter people all pretending to have forgiven these people and harboring their hate and passing it on. And then those of us who aren't spineless. we are seen are seemingly emotionless bitches. And not the cool kind. The kind who are seen as negative nasty little things who just like to hold on the hate and negativity. When in reality we are the only people in this fucked up world being true to ourselves.
I urge you to look at your relationship. And ask yourself, what's your price. Where is your line or no return?
Basically I am a pissed person, who even on the best of days is still a seemingly emotionless bitch. And not the kind of bitch, that every girl says they are are because they think it makes their bullshit excusable. No I am a real bitch, the kind of bitch that people were before it became cool to be a bitch. I mean everything I am about to say, and I will not apologize for anything I have learned about this world. Keep that in mind. And the anger I am experiencing does not mean that I am not thinking rationally. I absolutely am! This just means that I am a bitch and it is nothing for me to say these things. Or to hear your responses.
Ok now that the disclaimer has been read I will get to it. I think that probably about 90% of the population is completely spineless sell-outs, who convince themselves they are real people while in actually they are only a result of their surroundings and a product of the people the "love". Now would be the time to elaborate.
I am not completely heartless and I do understand that people are often deserving of a second chance. I believe in forgiveness. But forgiveness is not meant to be given to anyone and everyone every time they do something. And believe it or not some things are UNFORGIVABLE. And their is no relationship known to mankind that within its inner workings makes it an ironclad forgiveness machine. By this I mean that just because said asshole is your sister or your mother or daughter or son, or what have you does not mean that you just have to forgive everything they ever do. and live in this world where every inexplicable action of betrayal and deviant neglect can just to glazed over at a family picnic and transformed into the picture perfect candy coated relationship you had before.
And I know I will hear that sometimes you love your mother or what have you and that is why you get past it because that person is just too vital to your survival to be forgotten about. Well to this I will respond that this person because they are more special to you gets more flexible forgiveness. This is common knowledge you will take more shit from you family than you will anyone else you know. But my friends, flexible does not mean unbreakable. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN UNBREAKABLE RELATIONSHIP.
Which brings me back to my central thesis here. People are spineless products of their surroundings. People will forgive and forgive and forgive everything. Wives stay with husbands who beat their children. Husbands stay with wives who mistreat their own children. And couples stay together despite obvious ongoing infidelity on both fronts.
When you "forgive" things you haven't truly forgiven or ever truly understood, you are changing yourself. You bite your tongues when around these people because you cannot show you still hate them for what they have done. You avoid certain topics of conversation. You lie, you cheat, you neglect those who know that truth. You talk to everyone else about why you hate this person, but to this person you are cool, cordial and the face of forgiveness and understanding.
Why? Well you paint the picture anyway you want but it is because you are afraid. Spineless. You don't have the strength to make this person pay for their wrongs. You are terrified of having to live without them, possibly because you have had this toxic relationship (sister, husband, friend) for so long that it has defined you. You are a product of your surroundings and no longer know who you are. As an individual. You just can't stand up for yourself, even when you know you should.
So thus our world is full of bitter people all pretending to have forgiven these people and harboring their hate and passing it on. And then those of us who aren't spineless. we are seen are seemingly emotionless bitches. And not the cool kind. The kind who are seen as negative nasty little things who just like to hold on the hate and negativity. When in reality we are the only people in this fucked up world being true to ourselves.
I urge you to look at your relationship. And ask yourself, what's your price. Where is your line or no return?
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